My Name is Lonelen

Permanently Moving 2

2011-11-15T21:21:00.000-08:00

2011 ----> where am I going after reconcilation? Would we move back in together? Is living in healthy for our relationship or is it healthier if we live apart and see each other on occassions?

He asked me to check out condo units in Makati. Maybe we can afford a rent-controlled high rise studio pad by March. Yes, I love to move in with him again. I know my mistaked before and I will never do it again.

I am visualizing waking up each day with him curled up beside me or hugging me tight till the morning light.

I think therefore I am not made to live on my own. I am meant to live and cook for two.

Taking off from my last post on January 2, 2011.

We had a big fight March that lead to break up while I was 3 months preggo. Mom fetched me from my last abode at Yague st. But right before we head off to Batangas, I received a call. It was him. He said that pack my things and he will pick me up to move to the house we reserved in Bacoor Cavite. Mom and I discussed a whole lot of things. We arrived at a conclusion and waited for him. Literally, there was an earthquake. It was symbolic for me as it has literally and figuratively shaken my world that night. It was a moving decision that shall affect the lifetime that is left of me.

We reconciled. Yes. And I am still here. Unit C. Chico St. Justinville Subd. Bacoor Cavite. We left Unit B on Sept 4, 2011.

Permanently moving. :)

BTW, I gave birth to a healthy baby boy who I think looks like me.

Living on my own

2011-01-02T10:40:00.000-08:00

I moved out of the house and away from my parents when I was 16. I still remember how my mom howled and my dad playing it cool. During the first night I was not able to sleep and I called home at 2 in the morning. Mom and dad were in the same predicament. I seriously wanted to go home that night.

Now, after 10 years, I barely go home.

I could not fathom what happened to me. Since we lost our home (mom and I sold it after dad died), I have a hard time convincing myself to go home regularly. Or was it because I had a boyfriend? I lived with him for almost 3 years until July of 2010.

I am growing more independent each day when I actually I can't be any more independent. I am like Miranda of Sex and the City. There was an episode when she moved to an apartment with her cat. That there was a rumor that previous tenant was eaten by her cat. Miranda end up choking to death probably due to fear of dying alone.

I am used to living with a roommate but of course leading an independent life. Sometimes, I long for a quiet time by myself just reading a book and not being obliged to start or respond to a conversation. Just a time for myself.

Just a bed to come home to isn't bad afterall. Bed would not leave you. Bed will be there all the time. I developed a platonic relationship with my bed because like Marlboro lights, bed will not leave me ever. Bed is patient waiting for me to come home after a hard day's work and does not complain if i would not make the bed after I wake up. People will leave you, but not your bed. :)

I am not afraid of coming home to an empty apartment. Maybe I got used to it or I just don't care anymore or probably I like the peace it brings me.

I am permanently moving:

2000 - Ladies' Dormitory, UPLB (LJ, Ross, Mira, Lorna, Lysette as roommates)
2001 - Casubha's Residence, UPLB near Robinson's (Nikka)
2002 - 5th of September Mansion UPLB (with Michelle, and 2 other freshmen: Kaye and Yen)
2003 - E5 Whitehouse UPLB (Myra Bubot Jonah)

2004 - I went back home for a few months after I graduated when I worked for Globe telecom Batangas. That was my last year @ 23 Pear Street.

2005 - I rent a place at Rizal Village Alabang with Anna - I worked for CVG for 5 months
2005 - I moved to Makati with Doc Rhoda (Banyan Place JP Rizal. Same room number as 5th of Sept. Unit 203 with ate didin, gemma and Imee)

2006 - I moved to Poblacion Don Pedro street near rockwell with Arlith my highschool friend
2007 - I moved to Ceej's place at Faraday Street with Spawn Goldie Des Apol
2008 - Aris moved in with me. We rented a room of our on at Faraday
2009 - We moved to the unit beside Ceej's as the moved out as well
2009 - October after Ondoywe moved to Kalipayan at Marconi street.
2010 - July. Living in ended.
2010 - August - I moved in with Lei and Joyce and Jay at Villa Kalayaan
2010 - October - I moved in with Apol at Yague street pasong tamo.
2011 ----> where am I going after reconcilation? Would we move back in together? Is living in healthy for our relationship or is it healthier if we live apart and see each other on occassions?

He asked me to check out condo units in Makati. Maybe we can afford a rent-controlled high rise studio pad by March. Yes, I love to move in with him again. I know my mistaked before and I will never do it again.

I am visualizing waking up each day with him curled up beside me or hugging me tight till the morning light.

I think therefore I am not made to live on my own. I am meant to live and cook for two.

Hello 2011

2011-01-02T10:34:00.000-08:00

What's in it for me?

1. I have forgotten about being jealous. I don't think I need to elaborate on that.

2. I serious in making The Law of Attraction part of my mantra.

3. I am preparing for 2013. I am pushing 30. I want to have a baby.

4. I am engaged and I hope it's not only a Facebook status.

5. I vow to be a good employee this year. I will not skip work.

6. I should provide more for my Tita Isidra and my mom. I work to provide for them, am I not?

7. I should visit my dad'd grave. Forgive. Maybe he has his personal reasons whe he cheated on mom when he's alive.

8. Love more. and love some more.

9. Visit dentist please.

10. Spread love.

Inside a Cab

2010-12-02T03:17:00.000-08:00

When I go fast, I forget. When I go slow, I remember.

I prayed that it would be traffic along Paseo de Roxas. I wished that cars are not moving along Kalayaan.

The cab took a turn to Bonifacio Global City. I did not complain. It was a longer way to my destination anyway.

A song was playing in my Samsung Champ, blasting in my ears. The song was rather melancholic and as the cab go slower along 32nd street, I rest my back and my head and lean on the window. I remember a particular day in July 2010.

I am scared of being left behind again. But I was having an argument inside my head. I said I was strong and I did not die. I remembered the way I cried and how it felt. It formed tears in my eyes that did not want to jump of my eyelids or roll down my cheeks, maybe out of pride, I do not know. It was something i did not want to remember. It was something I have been running away from since July of 2010. But today, I had the courage to face my own demon. Maybe because it was easier to confont myself now that I am already somewhat happy with the way things turned out to be.

You are my light. You're the lamp upon my feet. All the time I need you there.

I was not all that evil. I loved hard and give enough when I am not even clear when too much is enough already. I never stopped loving. Not that I was deprived of loving another human being other than my own blood. For 24 years I have reserved myself for the one.

Inside a cab, I kept remembering. Until I finally reached my destination. Inside the elevator, I looked at my reflection. I opened my PC and logged in toSkype. And there it was, my only reason for wanting to go fast. I was hurrying to the present. Love and keep on loving.

MEMORY GAP

2010-11-29T01:23:00.000-08:00

If i I ask you a year from now, what happened on November 29, 2010, would you recall?

The answer is no. I have short term memory loss, selective amnesia and a gap in the memory.

Maybe it is self inflicted but I tend to run away from memories. I live for the NOW. The only moment I am sure of is right here, right now. I do not want to dwell on the past and I do not want to get paranoid of what tomorrow brings.

I have a hobby of forgetting. The thing is when I forget, I will remember that I remember. I am creating new memories and I only choose which one to remember. I have date books galore which I only fill with what happened in January.Ningas Kugon is what it's called. I always have a new pen at the start of the year and a new notebook.

I used to write brilliant metaphors but only of heart aches and pain. Now I focus on positive. Rhonda Byrne changed my life and I am putting it to practice.

Maybe that is why I am still having a hard time blogging. I used to only talk about dark things. Now, I am internalizing all positive feelings. I have to emit love to give love. And give way to better memories.

Someday I will know how to tell you what happened a year from now, November 29, 2010.

Maybe this way:

Nalipasan ako ng Sunday. Nagising kami ni Aris pasado alas singko ng hapon at umuwi syang Cavite. Naiwan ako sa apartment. Natulog lang ako. Di na naligo. Dumating si Apol. natulog rin. Kinabukasan, (eto na yung ngayon), andito ako sa Phoenix station 40. Maaga ako nag internet sa tapat ng opisina ni aris makasama ko lang sya ng isang oras kumain sa mcdo at magyosi pagkatapos. Ayaw ko maiwan mag isa sa apartment. Malungkot at madilim. Mas gusto ko pa mag-Skype at magblog. Next month magkaka PC na rin kami sa apartment, makukumpleto na naman ang entertainment showcase ko. Makakaipon ako. Sana. Di ko masabi. Future na yun eh. Eto ko ngayon, naiinitan. nagtitipid kasi ako kaya sa Phoenix lang ako nag net. Bukas pede na ko mag ihooked. Oorder ako ng pizza at tatambay sa silent room.

Isang oras na lang ang ipaghihintay ko at kakain na kami sa mcdo. :) Masaya na naman si Luni.

SABAW ANG UTAK KO NGAYON

2010-11-18T21:06:00.000-08:00

Gusto ko mag-blog pero sabaw utak ko ngayon. Wala talaga akong maisip na makabuluhan. Yung tipong mapapa-AWWwwww ang bawat mambabasa pagkatapos basahin ang huling salita sa blog kong ito. Paano na ko manonominate sa Philippine Blog Awards nyan? Joke lang.

Gusto ko lang naman ibalik ang lantik ang aking panulat. Nakakapagsulat lang ba ako nuon kasi required? Kasi gusto ko makakuha ng grade na Uno sa pinakaterror na propersor sa UP? O gusto ko talaga agn ginagawa ko?

Basta sabaw utak ko ngayon. Kwento ko na lang ang ilang kaganapan. Kapit sa upuan mga kapatid.

Ang daming eksena sa opisina. Tinatry ko lumayo sa negative energy kasi nakakapanget yun! :D

...to be continued

I am the real Juggler.

2010-11-18T20:38:00.000-08:00

I juggle not balls but jobs.

I am grateful to have one full time job and one part time job.

I am the breadwinner of the family and I do want to give my mom a beautiful life.

I do not like idle time. I want to do a lot of things that will make me feel that 24 hour is not enough for a day.

I am the antithesis of me because there are times when I just want to lay still and be pensive or not think at all. I still would feel I am productive.

to be continued... I have dry ideas and thought process not working. Creative juice ran out for today. Maybe I am tired? Do I need to rest?

BRB

One good deed a day

2010-11-17T19:41:00.000-08:00

I have one good deed I'll never forget. I rode a cab home and I was really tired coming from a graveyard shift. I asked the driver to pull over at mcdonald's 32nd street The Fort. He did not complain about it which cab drivers usually do and usually would not permit. I bought breakfast for myself and I am out mcdonald's door. I went back to the counter and ordered another meal to go.

I handed it to the driver when I get in. It feels so good. And guess what, I was blessed with a roommate who cooks breakfast for me now. :)

One good deed a day makes me feel I am not all that evil. Good will come back to you tenfolds. :)

Today a simple thank you to the Manong driver for bringing me to the office safe at 4am is gratitude in the works.

Repost May 5, 2008: ODE TO MI MUDRA

2010-11-17T19:29:00.000-08:00

Ode to Mi Mudra

Mame Ko,

Yak, kasi magsosorry ako. Hindi ako sanay. Sorry kasi I am giving you too much inconvenience. Pero di mo lang alam na ang goal ko sa buhay eh to give you the beautiful life you gave me. I know it's my turn.

Mushy to. Pero magpapasalamat ako. Salamat kasi nung elementary ako, kahit ma-jay walking ka, binibilhan mo ko ng Jollibee for my recess. Hello, ako lang ang naka jollibee ng recess time. For 16 years, lagi mo kong dinadalhan ng lunch sa school. Tapos nung mali yung sapatos ko nung grad ko nung highschool, pinabili kita ng bago. Run fatale ka sa mall tapos pagbalik mo, ok lang pala na 1 and 1/2 inch ang takong ng shoes ko. Ngayon ko lang narealize na haggard palang magka-anak ng katulad ko.

May time pa na akala ko magkakaroon na ko ng kapatid. Sumagi sa isip ko na ayoko magkaroon ng kapatid. After ilang weeks sinugod ka ng mga kapitbahay sa hospital. SI fudra nakafly na noon sa abroad. Nakunan ka. Naalala ko yun, pumunta ko sa may nursery room, nakatingin sa mga bouncing baby gays. Umiiyak ako kasi sinisisi ko ang sarili ko. Akala ko ako ang dahilan kung bakit ka nagka miscarriage. Kasi nga ayoko magkaroon ng kapatid. How selfish.

Maiba tayo. Alam ko hindi ka lang nagpapahalata pero naiirita ka na sa white hairs na naguumpisang mag-hello sa bunbunan mo. Loreal and pangkoror natin ng buhok noon. At hindi na natin kering magsplurge sa mga bagay na superficial. Kasi there is always more important things to pay or to use the freaking money.

Hindi ka na nakakapagpamassage kahit alam kong masakit na ang mga kasu-kasuan mo at pag umuuwi ako, I am a lazypants to give you a massage. I will just stare at the screen and get away with everything by watching my DVDs. I pretend as if i am not cramming about life but I am. I pretend to have insomnia but truth is, I cant sleep with my problems as my pillow.
I know that at some point, we had it all and now it feels like it's taken all away at the same time. Fabulous house, the family business, the cars we had, the fancy dinners and all the moolah choolah. And to top it all off, someone has taken my father's life. He didn't deserve it. We know he was young. Hindi pa dapat yun ang curtain call nya. At 46, he's too young.

Anyway, mame, someday mabibilhan rin kita ng bread toaster. Kasi sabi mo masarap ang garlic bread in the morning with your Batangas brew. One of these days, uulan ng bigas. Hindi ka na manghihiram sa kapatid mo ng isang kilong bigas.

What's odd is that we are the ones who used to help out your brothers and sisters, and their children. Now where are they? Sitting on their fat ass and counting their dollars?
Alam ko hindi ka lang nagpapahalata pero hirap na hirap ka na. Ako rin naman eh. Well sabi mo nga, nasa ilalim lang tayo ng gulong. Pero parang ang tagal tagal na. Gulong yata ng trak to eh! Kelan kaya ulit giginhawa ang buhay natin?

I'll try my best ayusin ang employment life ko. Pangako. Tama na ang resign fatale. Matiis kasi sabi mo, nangangamuhan pa rin ako. Kung ano man ang angas ko sa kumpanya, sarilinin ko na lang muna kasi mas kelangan ko ang trabaho. Alam kong malaking pagkakamali ang nagresign ako sa day job ko sa batangas, nung nasa Globe pa ko. Kung hindi ko lang inintindi ang pride ko. Kung alam kong aalmusalin ko lang rin pala ang pride ko pagdating ng panahon. Anyway, tapos na yun.

Medyo gumagaling na nga pala ako sa decision making chorva. After nating ibenta ang hauslaloo natin, wag na natin itry ibenta yung isang bagay na nagpapaganda sa bahay natin sa boondocks, yung Narra sala set natin. Isip na lang ako ng ibang paraan para maka-score ng pera. Alam kong ayaw mo yung suggestion kong yun yung last akong umuwi. Ayaw mo ibenta yung narra churvanek natin dyan.

Uwi ako sa sunod na sweldo. Pero di ko mapapromise na makakabigay ako ng malaking halaga, babayad pa kasi ng rent.

Pero alam kong ok lang yun sayo basta magkape at makapagyosi tayo sa harap ng bahay natin sa boondocks, keri na kahit maraming lamok. Apir!!!!!

Lab,
Kulit

It's not narcissism, I just learn how to love my flaws

2010-11-17T18:40:00.000-08:00

A month ago, I was contemplating on going to Thailand and get a surgery. FACE FEMINIZATION. A gay friend of mine showed me pictures of his friend who won an international gay pageant. His friend looks more feminine than I am.

Today I looked in the mirror and realized that I love my mole and my freckles and a few unnoticeable warts which I can get rid of free of charge using my health card. My nose isn't that bad and my hair though too thin already just needs a pump up perm and 2 inch haircut which I already had last Monday night.

My flaws and imperfections make me real. According to Rhonda Byrne's The Power, you have to emit love to receive love. Like attracts like.

Therefore, love your own. Do not change it. Enhance it. You are created beautiful. :)

Permanently Moving vs. Jetsetter

2010-11-16T18:53:00.000-08:00

Okay. A friend asked me if I want to go to Singapore. I answered:

Lon: Di pa nga ako nakakalabas ng Luzon eh. More Singapore na agad? LOL

She got my drift and being the sarcastic b*tch that I am, I still explained that there are reasons I can't go out of the country in probably a year or two. Here's my list:

1. I don't have a passport yet (YEAH, so? I am in no rush. Philippines is where my heart is)
2. I want to see Visayas and Mindanao before I go out of the country
3. Duh, budget. Hello? Travel is not on my priority list.
4. I am not even settled in my yet again new place. I am permanently moving.
5. I am no jetsetter. I am a backpacker of life. I take experiences wherever I go.

Nevertheless, I am not limiting myself. Someday I want to see other places. Someday, I want to ride an airplane. Someday I will see Taj Majal and dance in Bali, sing in Jamaica and end the year in Bora Bora Island in French Polynesia.

But for now, I want to save and go to Bohol. Bungee Jump. See Chocolate Hills. I used to memorize places in my home country while studying Sibika at Kultura. Now I want to see and explore them before I go somewhere else.

My Name is Lonelen and I am Googable.

2010-11-16T18:20:00.000-08:00

I have a lot of blog accounts. The problem is I am such a good starter. Then, I cannot maintain it. Or even update it. Therefore, I am writing my nth FIRST entry of this newest blog that I have and this is going to be public. I no longer need my underground blogs full of trash talks and negativity about people and the events in my life. Something changed me and I am going to share it here. I am now a big fan of the Law of Attraction.

My name is Lonelen and I am googable. :)

I am going to update regularly and love this blog like my own brainchild.

Yours till hell froze over,
Lon